Of sibling- rivalry and maturity

By McDonald Gurura

I can attest to the reality of the “sibling rivalry” phenomenon, that inexplicable love-hate relationship between young siblings. Whether it emanates from familiarity, competitiveness or some other factor is a subject of debate. What I am sure of is that with age, most siblings tend to respect and appreciate each other more pronouncedly. This maturity in my opinion, grows from establishing and respecting healthy sibling boundaries. Often where boundaries aren’t set or respected relationship do not get to mature and blossom.

Now I cannot speak of sibling-rivalry and not personally mention Albert, my brother and chief antagonist when we were kids. The man is a unique character, he is one of those intraverted people who are naturally very quiet but once they get comfortable and going, you can’t stop them from talking. Today, Albert and I have a respectful and matured relationship although as I hinted, that wasn’t always the fact when we were kids. The run-ins we had make us chuckle every time we start reminiscing.
I distinctly recall an incident where Albert was engrossed in his favourite pastime of fixing and making electronic gadgets. That particular day he had converted a knife into a soldering gun by heating it on a hotplate stove. Being the ever-curious soul I am, I keenly observed and soon became a faithful yet unwanted shadow. On realising that his countless reprimands were falling on deaf ears, Albert hatched a nefarious plot. He gave me an irresistible offer to assist his fascinating business, an offer I immediately jumped on. I took on my first task of stretching out my right hand as instructed with glee, little did I know that I would soon regret it. Can you believe, Albert placed the hot knife on my wrist! The scream I let out was enough to wake the dead. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I watched in horror as a burn blister immediately flared on my wrist.
The scream startled Albert so much he dropped his “soldering gun”, which I quickly picked and in the manner a dog gives chase to a rabbit in the wild, I began to chase after him with the hope of exacting revenge. I was never an athlete but I did hold my own that day I tell you, a 7year old in pain chasing down and catching up to a 13year old in four blocks is no mean feat, but I did it. Unfortunately, when I caught up with him and attempted to “solder” him back, the “gun” was already cold. How we both ended up laughing about it the whole scenario with my family goes down in the books as one of our craziest yet fondest memories. (I must hasten to say that I did salvage the situation, we struck a deal where for the whole week I got a portion of his breakfast in exchange for not reporting his misdemeanour to the parents!). My childhood like yours, may be littered with similar incidents of sibling competitiveness, pettiness, and craziness.

As I continue to recollect and reflect on these childhood stories, I consider how we move from childhood pettiness, competetiveness and craziness to becoming grounded adults who relate well. I reckon embracing the need to mature is part of the reason. We obviously become tolerant toward each other as we learn to respect each other’s boundaries. Resultantly, regardless of our disagreements, when challenges besiege us, we are there for each other. Despite differing views, we still laugh, wine and dine with each other. Maturity make us realise that albeit differing life-views, we all need each other to be who we individually and mutually are.

Ultimately, our ability to manage conflict and the extent to which we mature in tolerance determines how we relate and inevitably grow. Consider with me for a moment the dire consequences of intolerance on a broader perspective. How many social ills are perpetuated today by the mere fact of intolerance towards each other’s view-points. How many disputes and wars today stem from religious, cultural, political and socio-economic differences? Tragic is what this state of affairs is, yet I maintain that some of these fights can be avoided if only we mature enough to live and let live.

Again, revisiting my childhood memories, we used to love our street-soccer pastime. Most of our free time was spent enjoying the game. However, the beautiful game was often punctuated by an annoying an often-recurring encounter. Time and again our game would be disrupted when the owner of the skilfully-made makeshift soccer ball we called “chikweshe” would arbitrarily decide that the game was over and that was indeed it, game over! If anything went against his favour, be it a tackle he deemed crude, a goal against his team or whatever he felt injured by, he would pick up his ball and leave in a huff much to our dismay, teammates and opponents alike. It sounds really petty that one person can exact such misery on many people, right? Yet the fact of the matter is that everyday we have “adults” who haven’t matured in managing relationships and when confronted with conflict pick up their “chikweshe” and leave, or more aptly, “throw their toys out of the pram.”
This “throwing your toys out of the pram” mentality is evident when a husband leaves home because he would rather hide in social activities than confront his marital difficulties. He would soon drink with the boys than take responsibility for his inability to be the man in his home.

The toys are clearly being thrown out of the pram when a wife intentionally emasculates her husband because she feels that is the only way to get his attention. Instead of coming to a place of fixing the rift, the disrespect makes her physically present but mentally and emotionally distant.

The very same kick out the toys out of the pram mentality creeps into religion when congregants get up in arms and factionally brawl over leadership. The irony of society’s moral compass behaving below secular standards is dumbfounding to say the least.

The business community doesn’t escape the kick your toys out mentality. I know numerous companies that folded when associates sabotaged each other in the name of rising through the corporate ladder. In certain situations, enterprises have liquidated despite opportunities of mutual growth through collaborating with competing business.

Primitive politics will not miss the “throwing your toys out of the towel” craze. I know aspiring legislators who vote-buy by “donating” subsistence items to the electorate instead of empowering them to be self-sufficient. I heard of a most disheartening encounter last week where an aspiring legislator during his campaign efforts, donated water reticulation services, promised to selflessly serve and develop the community. The would-be-honorable legislator lost the elections and immediately withdrew his assistance, even going on to intimidate and threaten the voting populace because he didn’t get his way. So much about being honourable right?
In stark contrast in another constituency, outgoing legislator Themba Mliswa, aiming to retain his seat lost the elections but was magnanimous in defeat. Against the grain, Mr Mliswa conceded defeat and graciously pledged to continue serving the community with neither title nor counting how he would stand to benefit from serving. Now this is not only classy and honourable, it’s maturity on display, servant leadership winning and showing the way! This right here restored my faith in humanity!

Have you ever seen how a toddler cries and sulks when they don’t get their way? Well, unfortunately I have seen adults who behave in the exact same manner. I put it to you today that, we have 50year old husbands, wives, church leaders, business leaders and politicians who behave no different from toddlers. They may not wail or sulk in the exact manner toddlers do, but the toxic rants and behaviour is pretty much the same. Now, we are not shocked by a toddler crying and sulking in discomfort or pain because toddlers will be toddlers but when we see the same behaviour in grown-ups, it is a real cause for concern. It’s an anomaly, imagine a 50year old who never matured, a 50 year old toddler!

Individual and societal progress throughout history demands that we mature not only physically but also emotionally and mentally. May we be people who always choose to respond in maturity and tolerance toward each other in times of differences, defeat and yes even in victory.

Despite the overwhelming dearth in maturity today I still believe we can and will have homes and societies with emotionally and mentally mature individuals who can not only selflessly lead but also gladly be followers for progressive causes. I know my generation has mature and maturing people who despite differing ideologies and perspectives still look out for the interests their kith and kin.

If you haven’t gleaned anything from this read so far and I am to leave you with anything at all today, let it be a call to maturity. May we all daily mature, or maybe put more simply, let’s “Just Grow Up”

McDonald Gurura writes in his own capacity,heis a distinguished solutions journalist, accomplished TV anchor, and insightful leadership blogger, committed to fostering positive change through his thought-provoking articles.